Children and Empathy

My two-and-a-half year old is a very sweet child and he appears to be aware of his emotions.  I read somewhere that young children are not developmentally capable of empathy, but this does not appear to be the case with Ikaika. 

The other day we were down in Kona and I took the boys to Target.  Ikaika was walking next to the cart and I saw him playing with my wallet (which had been laying in the basket) and, stupid me, I didn't think to take it away from him.  When the time came to approach the checkout line I noticed that my wallet was not in the cart.  Or my purse.  Or Ikaika's hands!  ARRG!!!!

We ended up walking back though the entire store looking for this wallet (which I bought from Target so I was super worried about it getting restocked on accident - I think the tag is still on it, too)  Eventually, I discovered that it had been turned into a customer service and I got it back - with all my stuff in it, no less.  God bless the Land of Aloha!

I had been upset with Ikaika and had scolded him, telling him how angry I was and afraid that my wallet was missing.  We can't leave without it, I can't drive or pay for anything without, etc.  He watched quietly and said the perfunctory, "sorry, mommy" a few times.  When we were back in the car, after the whole ordeal was over, he was being quiet and finally said to me in a small voice, "mommy, I upset."
"Why are you upset, sweetheart?"
"Because I lose mommy wallet"
"Oh, honey, that's alright.  We found it and I shouldn't have let you play with it in the first place.  Next time we are in the store I'm going to keep it in my purse so you don't forget it."
"Oh..."
Silence.
"Mommy, I sorry."
"I forgive you, honey."

There were about two hours left in our day and he brought up the wallet story and apologized at least four more times.  I think the best part of that entire interaction, for me, was the fact that he was able to identify his emotions (i'm upset) and say why he felt that way.  I feel like one of the biggest sources of conflict, esp between Mr A and myself, is not being able to honestly talk about the way you feel and why.  So instead of saying "I'm hurt, I'm afraid, etc" and then talking about that, we just get angry with ourselves or others.  I want to teach my children to recognize and talk about the way they feel, that way they aren't redirecting those emotions in weird unhealthy ways.

Ikaika has a range of emotions that he recognizes (angry, hurt, sad, upset, frustrated, etc) and can express.  Usually if he's freaking out and crying, asking him what's the matter and why will calm him down somewhat.  He's also able to pick up on the emotions of others (for example, me being upset in Target) and respond to that (apologizing, talking to me about it, etc.)  I wouldn't describe him as a deep thinker or an emotionally complex child, but I would say that he's at least aware of his feelings and, on occasion, the feelings of others.

Tutu & Me Traveling Preschool

I took the boys to their first day of Tutu & Me today.  Wondering why it took me so long to get them enrolled (esp. Ikaika)...

This program is really cute.  It's held at one of the churches in town (Imiola on Church Row).  They start with circle time where they stretch, sing, read a story and also - gasp - do the Pledge of Allegiance and a prayer!  I couldn't be much more excited about that if I tried!  Most of the curriculum is Hawaiian based and introduces basic Hawaiian vocabulary.  Then there are learning stations and the kids have about an hour and a half to go to different areas and play games or do crafts, etc.  They have snacks provided (soy AND dairy milk!) and the activities are both indoor and outdoor.  There is a weekly book borrowing program and a monthly field trip (this month is to the Hilton).

The only thing I haven't quite figured out is how to play with Ikaika and Koa at the same time.  Ikaika is too big and can't go into the infant area.  Koa can go anywhere but it's kind of hard to really play with Ikaika when I'm watching Koa and vice versa.  The kids need to be supervised by a caregiver so I guess I'll just have to suck it up, talk to the other adults, and ask someone to keep an eye on him.

Ikaika...  I don't know about that kid sometimes.  It's probably because he's new to this (and my expectations are way too high) but he struggles with following directions in a group, sitting in a group, etc.  He likes to play and doesn't have any kind of attachment issues (thank God), but he's not used to school-y type learning situations.  We've been debating about putting him into Aha Punana Leo next year (full-time preschool) and I'm starting to feel like, enormous APL tuition aside, I want to just try something small like this for awhile and see if he runs with it.  I know boys mature slower than girls and it's possible that he's not really ready for more structured learning.

Baby Einstein and TV Morality

I have a library of Baby Einstein videos that were given to me by my aunt.  When Ikaika was younger, he watched them when we visited my parents and occasionally when we were at home, but he never really "got into" them.  I even thought about passing the videos along now that he's older. 

But the other day, when Koa was fussy and I was looking for a distraction, I popped a Baby E DVD in and, to my surprise, Ikaika was thrilled!  He was totally captivated.  Lately, he's been requesting Baby Einstein in the evenings and I'm all too happy to oblige him.  In fact, as I type this, Koa and Ikaika are sitting quietly in the living room, snuggled under blankets, watching Baby Neptune (the one about water). 

It surprises me that my 2 1/2 year old would be so into these videos.  There's no plot, no dialogue.  It's just nice music with colorful pictures.  At first, I thought this was strange but I'm starting to grasp how great this is.
 
We've been watching "kids movies" and "kids shows" with Ikaika.  There are plots, characters, jokes, etc.  He likes Cars and Toy Story and the Incredibles.  But when he's watching them, I can't help but notice how he's absorbing the behaviors, dialogues, and values of these movies - whether I like them or not.  My friend doesn't let her kids watch the Incredibles because of the suicide attempt in the beginning ("suicide should not be in my 5 year olds vocabulary") and I was perturbed by Babe, where I felt like the message it was sending about domestic violence was totally not okay.

My 2 year old is old enough to hear and repeat.  He's old enough to absorb and act out.  But he's not old enough to process, to understand, to filter the good from the bad.  I can't be so naive to think that he's enjoying the action/animation while overlooking the violence and/or subtle moral undertones.  Even TV shows are sometimes annoyingly influential.

So, we still watch PBS, Disney Jr., Go Diego Go, etc.  We watch Disney movies together on family movie night.  I'm not going to die on this mountain.  But, I'm happy to let him watch morally neutral Baby Einstein and, frankly, I hope it holds his interest for years to come!

Kekoa Crawling (almost)

 

Koa is finally starting to move around!  He's still a got some fine tuning before he's crawling, but he is certainly able to motor around the living room.  I lay him on the floor and the next time I look over he's under the couch.  Then I look over again and he's behind the toy box, etc.

I can't just plop him down and expect him to be there when I return, can't change him on the bed and walk away, and I have to scour through Ikaika's toys to find all the small parts! What a pain! But I'm still proud of him anyway :)

Of course, he's not going to let something like learning to crawl hamper his love affair with his fingers.  Those puppy eyes...they just melt my heart....

Transition: Old Wine in New Bottles an article by A.S.Halpern

Oh how I love my husband being in grad school!  All these interesting articles keep popping up on my desk :)

except from "Transition: Old Wine in New Bottles" by Andrew S. Halpern

"...some interesting aspects of the vocational apprentice program in Germany have received recent public attention from the national syndicated columnist, William Raspberry, who visited these programs along with a contingent of educators from Indiana.  He introduces this topic with his perceptions of the haphazard manner in which many American youngsters begin their work careers.

Typically, they leave high school to look for work wherever they can find it - sometimes with help from family friends, sometimes going full time into jobs in which they worked part time during high school.  Only after a succession of random jobs, in seems, do they stumble upon something with real career potential - a permanent job with clear prospects for advancement that pays enough to support a family...  The delayed transition into adulthood signals to the youngsters that, no matter what we say, there is little real relationship between what they learn in school and their ability to make their way in the world.

...one of the three colums written by Raspberry...raised an interesting companion issue about the role of schools as instuments of social reform...

One of the reasons German youngsters seem more serious than ours is that German schools are more businesslike and career-oriented than ours.  While there are exceptions, schools are for those who want to learn something and are not used as day care centers or personality enrichment programs."


HES TALKING ABOUT SPORTS!!!  And, really, all extra curricular activities. But, seriously, school without sports?!  This Raspberry guy is a nut.

Just kidding.  But, seriously, I found myself lying awake in bed last night just digesting all these words.  Does this bleak assesment sound exactly like anyone else at 18?  ...19?  ...23?!  As I prepare to find sanctuary in the hallowed grounds of grad school, I have to look back and think that I was either a) always destined to stay in academics or b) my post secondary transition was a sham because I haven't found a way to translate the skill set I got from school into anything useful outside of academics. 

Raspberry might have a valid point about how there is little relationship between what we learn in school and surviving in the real world, especially now that there is so much focus on academic performance testing.  A 17 year old needs to know how to stay on a budget, or what interest means, how to use a cash register, how to use grocery coupons, or how to deal with people in a professional way.  Science class isn't teaching you that!  And how many high school graduates are going on to be scientists anyway?  We've become (myself included) snobby about college prep academics and have left the majority of kids totally unprepared to transition into the world with any kind of direction.

So, like I said, I'm really enjoying my husband's new wealth of brain candy.  Keeps me critical of the choices I'm making in life and gives me more direction for what to do about my own kids since the Dept of Education probably isn't going to jump on this anytime soon.

3 1/2 Months - Holding Head Up

Kekoa is a little over 3 and half months old now.  From what I understood at his last doctors appointment, he's "supposed to be" rolling over.  He's done it once or twice but with no real consistency in effort.  I wonder if he will learn things faster or slower than Ikaika.  Sure, he has another little kid to look up to, but I take a much less active role in his development since I have about a million other things going on during my day.

Here's his latest trick - holding his head up! 

Just look how high he gets that noggin'!  That's a solid few inches and he can hold it there for 15-20 seconds.
(Mr A made fun of me for making this blanket because Ikaika was practically walking but now it's so fun and useful -so neener neener)

"Phew!  What a workout!"

Chatting With Ikaika

Ikaika has become extremely chatty. Not much of it makes sense, but it's a step in the right direction for functional communication. Today we were trying to get him to stop saying "nana" and start saying "banana". I just had to get it on video, if for no other reason than one day I might want to remember how cute he was when he was learning to talk.

When is Baby "Ready" for a Big Bed?

Ikaika seems to be the kind of kid that, if given the freedom to do so, will let us know loud and clear when he's ready for something new.  This has been the case with eating, weaning, using the potty, and moving out of the nursery at MOPS.

Previously, I said that we were still a month or so away from trying the twin bed at night.  Last week, after going through the bedtime routine of jammies, teeth brushing and diaper change, I said to my son, "OK, time for bed".  This usually means marching into his bedroom and waiting next to the playpen.  This time however, he jumped up from the floor, trotted into his room and climbed into the twin bed.  Mr A and I stared at him, dumbfounded, as he snuggled into his pillow and waited patiently for one of us to come say prayers. 

I was honestly stunned.  For a minute I didn't know what to do.  Should I put him back in the playpen?  He's not "ready" for this, right?  Shouldn't I be the one who always knows what's best for him? It's always a little jarring when Ikaika's development is out of sync with my schedule. But, it's hard to argue with the logic involved here.  If he's getting into the bed without complaint that must mean that on some level he is ready to move on from the playpen.  At this point, arguing with him or forcing him to regress (when my goal is for him to get into the big bed eventually) would be counterproductive. 

So he's sleeping in his twin bed now.  Yesterday I packed up the playpen and stashed in under the sewing table where it waits for the new baby.

Communication Development Concerns

When the baby took his first steps at 8 months, I prepared myself to wait for his first word.  I looked at motor and communication skills as somewhat of a trade off.  He was obviously focusing his time and attention on walking so it was unreasonable to expect him to pick up talking too.  We read and talk often so I know he is being exposed to language.  So, 5 months later, whats the hold up?!

Now he is 13 months and I am starting to wonder if something is wrong.  I spoke with a friend yesterday who's son-of-the-same-age has a working vocabulary of not one, but several words!  My kid certainly babbles and seems to understand things that are spoken to him - but talking?  Not so much.  I do not even get a "mommy" with any kind of clarity or consistency! 

The problem with this is now that Ickey has all kinds of wants but lacks any kind of vocabulary, requests are given through whining and screaming.  Its hard for me to enforce "use your words" when he has no words to use!  And, its not just vocabulary, its all forms of communication.  He does not point, sign, indicate, nothing.  I feel like the only reason I know what he wants half the time is I know him.  Its prediction rather than interpretation. 

Predictably, he is starting to use his gross motor skills to let us know what he wants.  He physically climbs up our leg or into our lap, he will bring a book to us, or reach for a cup.  I need to figure out a way to teach him to use the skills he has to communicate his needs so he doesnt grow up to become that kid who screams for something instead of just asking. 

Are there ways that we can help our kids develop vocabulary or do they just pick it up and use it when they are good and ready?

Bilingual Children Without a Bilingual Parent: where to start?

On any given day in our house you are likely to hear English, Hawaiian, Filipino, Thai, or Japanese.  We, like most people in Hawaii, pepper our speech with words, phrases and expressions from other cultures.  Although Mr A and I speak only English fluently, we both have a basic understanding of at least one other language.

Being a student of language myself (a student who regretfully has yet to attain the level of mastery she desires) I strongly believe that a more systematic approach to communication is going to prove to be the most fruitful for my children.

Take my husband for example.  Raised in a similar environment of synthesized speech, he has an impressive vocabulary of about 500 non-English words and phrases.  However, he doesn't have enough command of the grammar to use any of these in a non-English speech pattern (unless its HAE/pidgin English, which is grammatically closer to Hawaiian).

Living in this house, its a given that our kids will pick up the vocabulary.  I want them to also be able to communicate (speaking and listening, reading and writing) in another language. But I dont even speak Hawaiian!!!  So where do I start?

1. First things first, pick a language.  For the purposes of our house we have picked Hawaiian - something that is culturally significant to us and has available resources in our community to supplement our lack of knowledge/fluency.
2. Read books in your language of choice.  You might not understand what you are saying, but to a baby its all the same anyhow - besides, reading aloud is good practice.
   
3. Watch movie or listen to music/stories in language of choice.  It helps to familiarize you with the speech patterns and pronunciation, not to mention gives your kid an opportunity to hear some native speakers.
   
4. Learn some basic phrases and commit to using those phrases in your second language only.  Things like "come here" "stand up" "sit down" "be quiet" "what's this/that?" "good job!" are all good places to start.
5. Take a class or find a language immersion play group. Aha Punana Leo (the Hawaiian immersion school) offers free Hawaiian language classes here on Monday nights.  I went last night for the first time and it was good fun!  The more native speaker you can interact with, the better!
   

These are just a few ideas for how to get started introducing another language to your infant or toddler, especially if you aren't bilingual yourself.
 My guess is that I am going to get out of this what I put into it.  So, no mo' hilahila (shame) - dive right in and start speaking today!