The Love of Brothers
I remember being at the beach toward the end of my pregnancy. It was a beautiful day, clear skies and rolling waves. I sat on the sand and watched Mr A and Ikaika playing together in the surf and I began to feel an overwhelming sadness.
I don't know if it was the hormones or what, but I started to feel so sad for Ikaika. I wondered if having another child was fair to either one of them. How could I possibly love another little boy as much as I love my Baby Kaiks? Was Ikaika going to lose out on something now that our attentions needed to be divided out amongst the litter? I felt so sad and guilty and really questioned if we were making the right decision by expanding our family.
I always knew that if I had children at all, I was going to have two or more. I have sisters and couldn't imagine life without that support and friendship. I couldn't imagine having to hang out with my parents all the time. My mom was not about to play Imagination or pretend the trundle bed was the USS Enterprise! So, if this was always part of the plan, why was I sitting on the beach feeling so conflicted? Even after Koa was born, I still wondered if I was spreading myself too thin.
Just recently I've been really coming to terms with the idea of my kids being brothers - what that means for them and how special it is that they will have each other for the rest of their lives. My parents indoctrinated us with "friends come and go, but family is forever". We were taught to value our relationship and depend on it's continuity and unconditional love. We were taught how to love and be a family by learning to rely on our sisters. And that is exactly how I want to teach my children.
Now that Kekoa is a little older and sturdier, he can interact with Ikaika more. I catch them sometimes in moments like this, where they are laying quietly on the floor together and just making each other laugh. Last night, when we were leaving a friend's birthday party, Ikaika was walking ahead in Mr As arms and kept calling back to me, "where's my brother? where is Koa? Don't forget Koa, mommy!". Their lifelong bond is starting now and that sadness in my heart is being replaced by an overwhelming joy.